Family Guy Quotes

Brace yourself for a round of hard hitting Family Guy quotes. Lois and Stewie hardly share the mother-son relationship that you would expect. You are quite likely going to balk at the dark humor of these Family Guy quotes – Lois and Stewie present their worst!

• Chris: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
  Lois: Oh, honey... maybe.
  
  
• Lois: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
  Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just -- death.
  
  
• Lois: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
  Meg, Chris: Mom.
  Peter: OK, we can go... but you can't super-size.
  Chris Awwwww...
  Peter: OK, you can super-size but no apple pie.
  Meg: Oh, come on.
  Peter: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
  
  
• Lois: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car?
  Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
  
  
• Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
  Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
  [Lois giggles]
  Peter: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
  Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
  Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
  
  
• Lois: What's going on?
  Stewie: We're playing house.
  Lois: The boy is all tied up.
  Stewie: Roman Polanski's house.
  
  
• Stewie: What the hell is this?
  Lois: Stewie that's tuna salad.
  Stewie: Really? I could have sworn it was cat food.
  
  
• Lois: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room.
  Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell...?
  
  
• Stewie: Mother, I come baring a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
  Lois: Meg, can you change Stewie?
  Meg: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
  
  
• Lois: Here Stewie, I made your favorite pancakes.
  Stewie: Thank you Lois, when I rule the world, your death shall come quick and painless.
  
  
• Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll claw your **** eyes out. Now who wants a cookie?
  Stewie: I do. Ooh, keep talking. All this talk about eye-gouging has got me all frisky.
  
  
• Psychiatrist: Does Stewie have a history of violence?
  Lois: Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act.
  Stewie: Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.