Family Guy Quotes: Peter

For all you fans of Family Guy quotes, Peter Griffin brings you one more page of unending joy and humor. Enjoy his crude sense of humor. But don't mistake him to be a role model.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Peter almost foils a bank robbery]
Peter: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on. Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[A grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter: What the hell does rant mean?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter: Oh, you guys are ASSES.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Brian: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here, which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor. Now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Brian: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
[Family is talking about Peter's drinking problem]
Brian: And remember the time when you had an Irish coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Family Guy Quotes: Peter
Peter: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]

Also read other Family Guy Quotes:
• Introductory Page
• Evergreen Family Guy Quotes – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
• Your Affable Stewie Griffin – 1, 2, 3, 4
• Funny ol' Peter Griffin – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
• Funny Conversations – Lois And Stewie, Lois and Peter - 1, Lois and Peter - 2, Lois and Peter - 3