Funny Family Guy Quotes

Read some boorishly funny Family Guy quotes. These quotes promise to give you a healthy dose of laughter.

• Brian: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
  
  
• Peter: See? They covered the house in Teflon so that nothing sticks to it.
  [the family slips and falls to the floor]
  Peter: Oh, I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it.
  [Stewie skates by]
  Stewie: Look at me. I'm nudes on ice.
  
  
• [Stewie picking his nose.]
  Stewie: Do I not disgust you?
  Brian: Kid you're looking at someone who uses his tongue to clean his privates.
  
  
• Meg: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
  [Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
  Peter: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
  
  
• Chris: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not say "poop". Oh God. What have I done?
  
  
• UPS Woman: Package for Mr. Glen Quagmire.
  Quagmire: Thank you.
  [walks inside with it, returns naked]
  Quagmire: And I've got a package for you. Oh yeah.
  [she maces him]
  Quagmire: Heh he. I've developed immunity to that stuff.
  
  
• Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
  Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
  Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
  
  
• [Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard]
  Peter: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
  Brian: Enis.
  Peter: What'd I say?
  Brian: Anus.
  [Peter laughs hysterically]
  
  
• Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
  
  
• Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
  Meg: I guess that's OK.
  [opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
  Cleveland: We think he died some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.