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Peter: "Family Guy" Quotes

"Family Guy" Quotes From Peter Griffin

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You just have to read the best quotes from Peter of Family Guy. Peter is definitely the funniest character of the show. Here are his funny quips and remarks.
  • Peter: ...Lois comes up to me wanting to know if she can get a job, and I was like: "I got a job for you right here" [points at his crotch]... this zipper's been broken for weeks, I've had to use a safety pin.

  • Peter: NOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn Longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

  • Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
    Peter: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
    Joe Swanson: What in god's name is he doing?
    Peter: Can't touch me.
    Cleveland: I believe it's the worm.
    Peter: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

  • Peter: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

  • [Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.]
    Peter: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

  • Peter: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
    Preacher: Yes, it is.
    Peter: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.

  • Peter: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?

  • Peter: So if I accidentally walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
    Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

  • Peter: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
    Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
    Peter: Well, you see, we're catholic...
    Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

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