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Peter: "Family Guy" Quotes

"Family Guy" Quotes From Peter Griffin


You just have to read the best quotes from Peter of Family Guy. Peter is definitely the funniest character of the show. Here are his funny quips and remarks.
  • Peter: ...Lois comes up to me wanting to know if she can get a job, and I was like: "I got a job for you right here" [points at his crotch]... this zipper's been broken for weeks, I've had to use a safety pin.

  • Peter: NOOOO! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn Longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?

  • Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
    Peter: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
    Joe Swanson: What in god's name is he doing?
    Peter: Can't touch me.
    Cleveland: I believe it's the worm.
    Peter: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

  • Peter: Listen Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.

  • [Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor.]
    Peter: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?

  • Peter: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
    Preacher: Yes, it is.
    Peter: Holy crap, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.

  • Peter: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?

  • Peter: So if I accidentally walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
    Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

  • Peter: I'm looking for some toilet training books.
    Salesman: We have the popular 'everybody poops", or the less popular 'nobody poops but you'.
    Peter: Well, you see, we're catholic...
    Salesman: Ah, then you'll want 'you're a naughty, naughty boy, and that's concentrated evil coming out the back of you'.

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