Stewie Griffin, the little diapered baby of the Family Guy
, who is quite the show stealer. Nobody can shock you out of your skin as much as Stewie. Family Guy
quotes are resplendent with cutting retorts from Stewie.
- [watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
Stewie: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis.
- Stewie: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
- Stewie: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
- Stewie: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
- [The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on.]
Stewie: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
- Meg: Mom, guess what, I made Flag Girl squad!
Stewie: Flag Girl? Um yes good for you. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
- Stewie: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Stewie: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
- Stewie: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
- Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie: Enjoy your studio apartment.
- [Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie: Careful. It's 'gently rub the scalp', not 'scrub like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas dress', you stupid holiday drunk.
- Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
- [While trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
- Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn.
Peter: Rea... Really?