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Stewie: Family Guy Quotes

Stewie is Really Funny!


Stewie Griffin, the little diapered baby of the Family Guy, who is quite the show stealer. Nobody can shock you out of your skin as much as Stewie. Family Guy quotes are resplendent with cutting retorts from Stewie.
  • [watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
    Stewie: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis.

  • Stewie: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."

  • Stewie: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.

  • Stewie: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.

  • [The Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on.]
    Stewie: You. Cut my eggs.
    [waiter cuts his eggs]

  • Meg: Mom, guess what, I made Flag Girl squad!
    Stewie: Flag Girl? Um yes good for you. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

  • Stewie: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
    Stewie: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

  • Stewie: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

  • Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
    Stewie: Enjoy your studio apartment.

  • [Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
    Stewie: Careful. It's 'gently rub the scalp', not 'scrub like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas dress', you stupid holiday drunk.

  • Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
    Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

  • [While trying to potty-train Stewie]
    Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.

  • Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn.
    Peter: Rea... Really?

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