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Outrageously Funny Groucho Marx Quotes

They Spare No One!


Groucho Marx and his brothers had an unmatched flair for comedy. However, it was Groucho Marx who became the reigning king of comedy in the forties. Even today, Groucho Marx quotes are regarded as evergreen classics. On this page, you can read a collection of hilarious Groucho Marx quotes.

  • Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?

  • As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

  • Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?

  • Time wounds all heels.

  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

  • Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

  • Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

  • A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

  • A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

  • A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

  • Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

  • All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.

  • And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

  • Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

  • Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

  • Bury me next to a straight man.

  • Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy.

  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

  • From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

  • Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.

  • Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

  • Go, and never darken my towels again.

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