Groucho Marx at His Funniest Ever

When you think of funny quotes, the name Groucho Marx comes to mind. Groucho Marx could repeat a humorous line several times, but still evoke laughter as if he had said it for the first time. It is no wonder that his one-liners are still imitated by famous comedians. His humor has an everlasting fizz.

Groucho Marx
He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Groucho Marx
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Groucho Marx
How would you like to feel the way she looks?

Groucho Marx
Blood's not thicker than money.

Groucho Marx
Budget: a way of going broke methodically.

Groucho Marx
Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar, ' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.'

Groucho Marx
But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

Groucho Marx
Housewife: "I have seven children."
Groucho: "Seven? That many?"
Housewife: "Well, I love my husband."
Groucho: "I love my cigar, too, but I take it out once in a while."

Groucho Marx
I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

Groucho Marx
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

Groucho Marx
Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx
I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing.

Groucho Marx
I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing.

Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx
I drink to make other people interesting.

Groucho Marx
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately, the resemblance doesn't end there.

Groucho Marx
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx
I have nothing but confidence in you... and very little of that.

Groucho Marx
I hope they bury me near a straight man.

Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Groucho Marx
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago. I shot my broker.

Groucho Marx
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

Groucho Marx
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.