Groucho Marx quotations can be quite sarcastic. You cannot be sure whether he is being funny or insulting! Groucho knew that and often used clever insults as a witty retort. If you are not faint hearted, you will
love these witty Groucho Marx quotations.
- I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Here's to our wives and girlfriends! May they never meet!
- I remember the first time I had sex… I kept the receipt.
- Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast
- I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
- Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
- I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.
- I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
- If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
- Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.
- I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
- If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
- I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.
- I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
- I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
- You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
- In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
- In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
- I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
