"The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy."
"The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be."
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
"Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Damn it! I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P. A. system. "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh oh, God this is so embarrassing. I I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry. I'll run back and get them.""
"Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day; he would watch me walk by; he would think to himself, "I could do that! He's not that good." That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the front seat of your car - you and him in the front seat. It's the only place where your head and his are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he thinks, "This is more like it. You and me together, this is the way it should be." He looks out the front. What's he looking at? He's a dog. "What are you going to make -- a right or a left? I don't even know where I am.""
"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."