Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Jerry Seinfeld, everyone's favorite funny man, shot to fame with his hit TV series "Seinfeld" in the '90s. Though the show is no longer being produced, the re-runs are still popular all over the world. Here are a few Jerry Seinfeld quotes. Be warned! Reading Seinfeld quotes can seriously affect your sanity, and give you stomach cramps due to non-stop laughter.

"I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything -- which as you know always leads to something -- cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."


"Now, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."


"The Four Levels of Comedy: make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, get paid to make strangers laugh; and make people talk like you because it's so much fun."


"The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets… he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman."


"I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.""


"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt."


"I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch."


"A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, "He's back. It's that guy, that same guy." He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. "Another can of food? I don't believe it.""


"My parents didn't want to move to Florida; but they turned sixty and that's the law."


"Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us."


"I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!""