"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, bottle openers "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.""
"Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be; that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing."
"Why don't we fly up to the moon and then drive around? That is the essence of male thinking right there!"
"My God, what is this salty discharge? Is this crying? This is terrible -- I care!"
"Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly youre in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Youre hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science, Language, and History. Now that is a weird day."
"Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed.""