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Famous "Simpsons" Quotes

Wacky Lines From "The Simpsons"

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"The Simpsons" grabs your attention with its razor sharp wit, wacky quotes, and absurd ideas.

Inspiration
If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.

Weird Humor
We played Dungeons and Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.

Wise Cracks
This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me I'll be in the shower.

Food
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close!

Insults
Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh.

Insults
Looking at that tired old freak has made me realize I'm no spring chicken myself. I can feel death's clammy hand on my shoulder...wait, that's my hand.

Insults
When I was young toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers. They'll break the second I step on 'em. Arg! Stupid! Toy! Soldiers! Break, you stupid!

Insults
Ahh! The old fishing hole... so peaceful and relaxing. Doesn't even matter if I catch a single fish -- ah! Come on you stupid fish, take the bait! Don't make me come down there!

Opinions
Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Opinions
Bart, with ten thousand dollars we'd be millionaires. We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

Opinions
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Parenting
Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Relationships
Oh no, you are not getting me on that dance floor. Don't try and make me. Otherwise, God help me, I'll give you that divorce.

Religion
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Religion
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!

Religion
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Sex
It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye... aha. What I mean to say is... We'll snuggle tomorrow, sweetie. I promise.

Television
Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV guides... so many memories...

Weird Humor
To start press any key (reading screen). Where's the "any" key? I see Esc, Catarl, and Pig Up. There doesn't seem to be any "any" key. Wo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. (presses TAB key).

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