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Funny "Simpsons" Quotes

The Craziest Family on TV

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These are outrageously funny Simpson quotes. Each member of the Simpsons show has something funny to say. Read them and enjoy them.

Weird Humor: Ralph Wiggum
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Food: Homer Simpson
Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow! Oww!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

Insults: Mr. Burns
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

Opinions: Homer Simpson
Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for eight more years.

Opinions: Homer Simpson
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Opinions: Homer Simpson
Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.

Parenting: Homer Simpson
Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.

Religion: Homer Simpson
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Sex: Homer Simpson
Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by an extended period of gettin' it on.

Television: Homer Simpson
Let's just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV.

Weird Humor: Homer Simpson
Hey, can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once!

Weird Humor: Ralph Wiggum
Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.

Weird Humor: Homer Simpson
Black, marbleized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.

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