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Funny "Simpsons" Quotes

The Craziest Family on TV


These are outrageously funny Simpson quotes. Each member of the Simpsons show has something funny to say. Read them and enjoy them.

Weird Humor: Ralph Wiggum
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Food: Homer Simpson
Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow! Oww!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

Insults: Mr. Burns
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.

Opinions: Homer Simpson
Money comes and money goes. What I have is my daughter which will be for eight more years.

Opinions: Homer Simpson
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Opinions: Homer Simpson
Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President.

Parenting: Homer Simpson
Oh, Marge don't you know kids today? Bad means good and shake your booty means wiggle your butt.

Religion: Homer Simpson
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Sex: Homer Simpson
Our forecast calls for flurries of passion followed by an extended period of gettin' it on.

Television: Homer Simpson
Let's just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV.

Weird Humor: Homer Simpson
Hey, can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch myself in two places at once!

Weird Humor: Ralph Wiggum
Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.

Weird Humor: Homer Simpson
Black, marbleized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.

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