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Best Funny Quotes

Read the Best Funny Quotes to Color Your Life

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Like precious blossoms blooming in an arid and parched land, a smile has the power to attract. So give in to the magical appeal of the smile. Leave behind the desires of your wishful mind and lend a cheerful twist to life. Here are some of the best funny quotes that are sure to captivate you.
  • Jimmy Durante
    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

  • Woody Allen
    The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

  • Oscar Wilde
    I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  • Groucho Marx
    A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

  • Fred Allen
    A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

  • George Bernard Shaw
    A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

  • Bob Hope
    I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

  • Fred Allen
    A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

  • Robert McCloskey
    I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

  • Mark Twain
    It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

  • Henry A. Kissinger
    There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

  • Robert Frost
    A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

  • Oscar Wilde
    By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

  • Winston Churchill
    I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

  • Mae West
    When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

  • Steven Wright
    Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

  • Charles Schulz
    Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

  • Jerry Seinfeld
    There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.

  • Fred Allen
    I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

  • Groucho Marx
    Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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