Best Funny Quotes

Like precious blossoms blooming in an arid and parched land, a smile has the power to attract. So give in to the magical appeal of the smile. Leave behind the desires of your wishful mind and lend a cheerful twist to life. Here are some of the best funny quotes that are sure to captivate you.

• Jimmy Durante
  My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

• Woody Allen
  The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

• Oscar Wilde
  I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

• Groucho Marx
  A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

• Fred Allen
  A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

• George Bernard Shaw
  A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

• Bob Hope
  I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

• Fred Allen
  A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

• Robert McCloskey
  I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

• Mark Twain
  It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

• Henry A. Kissinger
  There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

• Robert Frost
  A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

• Oscar Wilde
  By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

• Winston Churchill
  I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

• Mae West
  When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

• Steven Wright
  Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!

• Charles Schulz
  Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

• Jerry Seinfeld
  There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.

• Fred Allen
  I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

• Groucho Marx
  Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.