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Funny One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield

These Are Really Funny!

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Rodney Dangerfield had captured the minds of his audience with his ribald, in-your-face humor. Read some of the best funny one liners by Rodney Dangerfield on this page.

  • Family
    My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

  • General Humor
    People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

  • Childhood
    Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

  • Age
    Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

  • General Humor
    Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

  • Funny Incidents
    For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

  • Life
    I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

  • General Humor
    Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

  • Childhood
    When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

  • Doctors
    I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

  • Sex
    I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

  • Age
    At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

  • Self
    My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

  • Wife
    My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

  • Wife
    One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

  • Self
    One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

  • Funny Incidents
    The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

  • Doctors
    I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

  • Wife
    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

  • Family
    My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

  • Self
    You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

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