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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

The Stand-up Comedian Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield expired on October 6, 2004. His death created a void. It is almost difficult to smile at jokes. But Rodney Dangerfield quotes remind us that laughter is the essence of life. So let's go on with the memory of the legendary comedian while we read Rodney Dangerfield quotes.

  • Wife
    I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  • Wife
    Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

  • Wife
    With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

  • Family
    My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

  • Family
    I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

  • Doctors
    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

  • Family
    My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

  • Childhood
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

  • Childhood
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

  • Wife
    My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

  • Wife
    I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

  • Doctors
    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

  • Wife
    I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

  • Sex
    My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

  • Self
    I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

  • Self
    My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  • Self
    I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

  • His Pet Dog
    What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

  • Family
    One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

  • Family
    With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

  • Wife
    I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

  • Family
    My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

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