My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
- Funny Incidents
A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
- General Humor
I have three kids, one of each.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
- General Humor
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.