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Funny Quotes and One-Liners: Rodney Dangerfield

Don't Stop Laughing!

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The non-stop comedian Rodney Dangerfield is full of funny quotes and one liners. He has the knack to get to your funny bone. More funny quotes and one liners from Rodney Dangerfield on this page.

  • Wife
    My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

  • Family
    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  • Self
    I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

  • Self
    I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

  • Funny Incidents
    A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

  • Childhood
    I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

  • Self
    I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

  • Family
    I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

  • Sex
    I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.

  • Sex
    I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

  • General Humor
    I have three kids, one of each.

  • Family
    I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

  • Childhood
    I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

  • Self
    Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

  • Sex
    I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."

  • Doctors
    Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

  • General Humor
    I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

  • Wife
    I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

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