In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
- General Humor
C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.
- General Humor
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- Funny Incidents
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.