George Carlin: Funny Quotes

When George Carlin is on stage, you have no choice but to give in to his humor. Carlin makes hilarious observations that make you double up in laughter. Here are some of my favorite George Carlin funny quotes. Get prepared for a round of laughs as wacky George Carlin takes you through an uninterrupted journey of laughter.

• I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
  
  
• One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
  
  
• People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
  
  
• Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
  
  
• Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
  
  
• A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
  
  
• I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
  
  
• The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
  
  
• What's all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery.
  
  
• Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.
  
  
• Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
  
  
• You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.