Carlin Quotes

George Carlin's irreverent humor is quite ticklish. One must appreciate his wit too. Read these humorous quotes and you will be surprised by his intelligent humor. These are some of the famous Carlin quotes that poke fun at everything. His witty questions can put a four year old to shame. If you think you have all the answers, Carlin has some questions for you.

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  
  
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
  
  
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  
  
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  
  
• Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  
  
• Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  
  
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
  
  
• I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
  
  
• I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  
  
• If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
  
  
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  
  
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  
  
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  
  
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  
  
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  
  
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
  
  
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  
  
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
  
  
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  
  
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that s***?
  
  
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  
  
• If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
  
  
• If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
  
  
• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  
  
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  
  
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  
  
• Is there another word for synonym?
  
  
• Just 'cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
  
  
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  
  
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
  
  
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  
  
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  
  
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  
  
• Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?