Quotes by George Carlin

Call him uncouth, or "in-your-face" if you will; but George Carlin has a charisma that enraptures everybody. He has a way of presenting the harsh truth with a topping of sarcasm. If you are in a poignant mood today, some of his humor might hit you right between the eyes.

• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  
  
• When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
  
  
• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
  
  
• Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  
  
• If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
  
  
• I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  
  
• The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
  
  
• The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
  
  
• There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
  
  
• There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
  
  
• When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
  
  
• You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.