...and when I say funny, I mean threatening to my career.
Marcia Gay Harden, Best Supporting Actress, Pollock
You know, I swore that if I ever won an Oscar, that I would say thank you to all the waiters and waitresses who used to cover my shift for me so I could run downtown on the subway and audition. I wish I'd said something to the waiters.
Aw, man, they gave 'em the Oscar on stage. Next they're gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. It'll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
We want to thank all of you for watching us congratulate ourselves tonight.
Kate Hudson, Best Supporting Actress Nominee, Almost Famous
She [her mother] says tomorrow's another day and you're going to be looking for another job.
The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!
Michael Caine, Best Supporting Actor, The Cider House Rules
I was watching all the others [nominees] and thinking back when I saw all the performances thinking how the Academy has changed the phrase from, 'And the winner is' to 'the Oscar goes to.'
[grabs Billy Crystal's hand] Hey, look at us a San Francisco wedding cake.
I started my career 35 years ago, getting people coffee. I'm pretty sure the fact that I dated Billy Crystal's cousin has nothing to do with this.
By the way, be sure to stay tuned for the whole show because at the end of the night we are going to vote somebody out of show business.
Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon sounds like something Siegfried and Roy do on vacation.
Rick Baker, Best make-up artist, How the Grinch Stole the Christmas
I learned on my own face, that's why I look like this.
Jamie Foxx, Best Actor, Ray
In our music, in our everyday life, there are so many negative things. Why not have something positive and stamp it with blackness?
Our next presenter (Charlize Theron) is nominated for her role of a hiking, serial killing prostitute. Great! Just what we need!
We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
[on winning the award for Best Foreign Language Film] We're so thankful that The Lord of The Rings did not qualify in this category.