Mr Garrison
- Genetic engineering is man's way of correcting God's hideous mistakes, like German people.
- A haiku is just like a normal American poem except it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.
- Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! Tolerate means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off!
- [Mr. Garrison's hand puppet Mr. Hat] That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglass and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France.
- Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
- I've been keeping this place free of hippies since I was five and a half.
- Respect my authority!
- Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionare!
- This picture, I'd like to call "The Pierre." I invited Butters to stay the night and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo!
- Attention shoppers! Outside today, we have a cripple fight. Cripple fight, outside!
- I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about protecting the earth' and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets… I hate 'em!
