Scrubs Quotes

The hilarious TV show, Scrubs, focuses on the life of a young medical intern JD. Follow him, as he wades through his daily struggles, neurotic patients, tough superiors, and nutty colleagues. The comedy is layered with insults, funny put-downs, and goofy sequences.

• Dr. Cox [to an annoying patient]: Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever -- just like my patience is now!
  Jill Tracy: So you do scary little speeches. How adorable!
  
  
• J.D.: Go ahead... insult me like you always do.
  Janitor: Too easy. When you less expect...
  
  
• Janitor [to JD]: You seem unhappy. I like that.
  
  
• Dr. Cox: ...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more -- her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy... we were.
  
  
• Dr. Cox: Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out.
  
  
• [Turk is asking Dr. Kelso for a favor]
  Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything, I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer -- I'll volunteer at the clinic; Whatever you want!
  Dr. Kelso: Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!
  Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?
  
  
• Elliot: I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them.
  J.D.: Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
  Elliot: Well, if you don't it gets mildewy.
  J.D.: You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney.
  
  
• Carla [about Dr. Cox and Jordan]: Why does he keep going back to her?
  Turk: I don't know. Why do people keep marrying Larry King? The man looks like a frog.
  
  
• Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward.
  
  
• Carla [about a male intern]: You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt.
  Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted.
  J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt.
  Carla: You should bring it in someday.
  
  
• Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off...
  Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not Bring Your Problems to Work Day. This is just Work Day.
  
  
• J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
  Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
  J.D.: Yes!
  Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
  J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
  [after some silence]
  Janitor: Damn it!
  
  
• Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.
  
  
• Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
  Dr. Kelso: The real question is: how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
  
  
• Dr. Kelso [about his wife]: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet!
  
  
• J.D.: You see, surgical and medical interns are kinda like two rival gangs. Not real gangs... more like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.
  
  
• Dr. Cox: The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.
  Turk: What?
  Dr. Cox: Do you understand the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
  Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.
  
  
• Dr. Cox: It's time. Sit down, and listen up, Newbie. I suppose you want me to say you're great? That you've raised the bar for interns everywhere?
  J.D.: I'm cool with that!
  Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not going to say that. You're doing ok. Someday you might even be better than that. But right now, all I see is a guy who's so preoccupied with wondering what everyone else thinks about him, that he doesn't have anytime to think whether or not he believes in himself. Did you ever wonder why i told you to write your own evaluation?
  J.D.: I don't have a safe answer for that. I just figured that... you...
  Dr. Cox: Clam up Newbie! I wanted you to think about yourself... And i mean really think! What are you good at? What do you suck at? And write it down. Not so I could read it, or anyone else could read it. But so you could read it! You see in the end Newbie, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso, or even to your patients for Gods sake! The only one you have to answer to Newbie is you! There, you are evaluated. Now get out of here, because you truly make me so damn mad I might just hurt myself!
  
  
• Janitor: What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?
  
  
• Janitor: Hey, have you been stealing pudding cups and toilet paper around here?
  J.D.: [stammers] No! I hate pudding and I don't use... toilet paper.
  [Janitor stares]
  J.D.: I have one of those French things that shoots water up your butt.
  Janitor: Bidet?
  J.D.: Bidet to you sir.