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These Funny Quotations Will Leave You in Splits

My Select List of Funny Quotations

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Surely you can use a smile just about right now. Here is a select list of my favorite funny quotations. Find sarcasm, scorn, humor, and sheer craziness in these quotations.

Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.

George Bernard Shaw
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

George Burns
You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Woody Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Jean Kerr
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself - like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Marty Feldman
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Dave Edison
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Steve Martin
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.

Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Winston Churchill
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Marion Barry, Mayor
If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Oscar Wilde
As yet, Bernard Shaw hasn't become prominent enough to have any enemies, but none of his friends like him.

Robin Williams
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

David Letterman
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Rita Mae Brown
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Groucho Marx
If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Charlie Brown
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Will Rogers
The trouble with political jokes is that very often they get elected.

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