Funny Quotes: Marx Groucho Pokes Fun

The Marx brothers were comic icons in the forties. However, the most famous Marx -- Groucho Marx -- was everybody's favorite. He always poked fun, but desisted from being offensive. In these quotes, Groucho Marx uses wit to mask his insults.

Marx Groucho
You're heading for a breakdown, why don't you pull yourself to pieces.

Marx Groucho
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

Marx Groucho
You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera... the night I drank champagne from your slipper -- two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

Marx Groucho
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Marx Groucho
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... retire!

Marx Groucho
There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

Marx Groucho
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.

Marx Groucho
Why, a four year old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four year old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Marx Groucho
Why don't you bore a hole into your head and let the sap run out?

Marx Groucho
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Marx Groucho
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

Marx Groucho
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.

Marx Groucho
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life… to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution… this everlasting living soul began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Marx Groucho
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Marx Groucho
The only game I like to play is 'old maid', providing she's not too old.

Marx Groucho
The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.

Marx Groucho
Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

Marx Groucho
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Marx Groucho
Women should be obscene and not heard.

Marx Groucho
Would you mind getting off of that fly paper so the flies can have a chance?

Marx Groucho
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

Marx Groucho
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

Marx Groucho
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Marx Groucho
You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Marx Groucho
You have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

Marx Groucho
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Marx Groucho
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.