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Hilarious Quotes: One Liners by Rodney Dangerfield

Get Ready for a Laughing Marathon

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When it comes to funny quotes, one liners and gags, Rodney Dangerfield rules the world. He has funny quips for everything. Read on.

  • Sex Quotes
    The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

  • Wife Quotes
    My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

  • Wife Quotes
    My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

  • Wife Quotes
    There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

  • Family Quotes
    When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

  • General Humor Quotes
    I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

  • Childhood Quotes
    I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

  • Sex Quotes
    A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

  • General Humor Quotes
    I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

  • Family Quotes
    I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

  • Sex Quotes
    During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

  • Sex Quotes
    I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

  • Wife Quotes
    …went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

  • Wife Quotes
    My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

  • Sex Quotes
    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

  • Sex Quotes
    With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

  • Self Quotes
    I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

  • Sex Quotes
    I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

  • Funny Incidents Quotes
    Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

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