- Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
- Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.
- I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I bet you put something to the waterâ¦
- Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
- Golf requires concentration and focus. Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
- Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean a guy who could drive the ball that far -- oh, he could really draw a crowd.
You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.
Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.