Leo J. Burke
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends.
If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'
Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said 'sex is good'. All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.
Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Did you enjoy these baby quotes? Sign up for a free 8-day baby quotes newsletter? Once a day for 8 days, I will send you my selection of baby quotes. Some of them will amuse you, while others will tug at your heartstrings.