Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Jimmy Piersal, on How to Diaper a Baby
Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.
To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
The thing to remember about fathers is... they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle...
Sir Walter, being strangely surprised and put out of his countenance at so great a table, gives his son a damned blow over the face. His son, as rude as he was, would not strike his father, but strikes over the face the gentleman that sat next to him and said, "Box about: twill come to my father anon."
If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.
When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, "She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge."
Peter De Vries
My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.